Look up Cribbage scoring on Wikipedia — I won't try to explain it - Real Change News

President Joe Biden is out to get everyone in the country vaccinated for COVID-19.

I’m old, so I’ve been fully vaccinated since February. Still, I’m getting a short vacation from work thanks to COVID-19. At most two weeks.

I hear you all saying, in unison, “You? Work? You toil away at a job?”

Yes, it be. It’s a secret I’ve hidden from the public for years. When not writing these columns for absolutely no pay at all, I’m working for pay in the Vendor Program at Real Change. Doing work things. I run a one-man assembly line that cranks out Excel documents. I hide in a back room hunched over a computer, feeding facts and numbers, names and dates, into pre-molded Excel receptacles. I do it for around 11 hours a week. I fill out a timesheet accounting for every piddly hour and half-hour, also on an Excel document, print it out, and they pay me by the hour mainly for my little Excel productions and for keeping my desk free of cobwebs.

If it weren’t for my job at Real Change, I’d have nothing but old age Social Security, which, given that I only worked 12 years of my adult life in salary and wage jobs that paid into FICA, wouldn’t pay enough for me to live off cat food.

But this week one of my co-workers tested positive for COVID-19, so I need to ensure I don’t have it before coming back to the office. And I can’t crank out the Excel sheets at home. I’m going to be one of those people you read about in the papers all the time, who has to stay home forever just staring at the walls, slowly becoming stark raving nuts.

Well, not really, I’m an introvert. I’ll be fine. I’ll spend the hours watching reruns of “What’s My Line?” on YouTube. When I finish watching all of those, I’ll move on to “Leave It to Beaver” and “To Tell the Truth,” oh joy. Then I’ll buy a deck of cards and play Solitaire and Concentration over and over again. Or I’ll play Cribbage with an imaginary friend, an imaginary Cribbage board and an imaginary deck, for more of a challenge. I love 15 one-ing and 15 two-ing.

That this can happen at all is because not everyone in this country or even in Seattle has been vaccinated yet. The co-worker who tested positive has been vaccinated but since not everyone else has been vaccinated, they have still been at risk of getting the disease, which is why Biden is getting elbow deep into mandating vaccines, because this sort of thing keeps happening and it’s getting ridiculous. Presidents gotta preside.

Of course, a boatload of Republican governors will sue Biden and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration for putting the mandates in place. They have decided that all the public needs is horse deworming medicine, and shame on Biden for insisting on vaccines instead. Republican science says vaccines are bad for you and horse deworming medicine is just great. Get it in the apple-flavored paste form that horses love! It comes with a free oral injector. Feed it to everyone in your family, even the cat! In properly adjusted doses of course.

Republican science being what it is, I’m expecting that, in all the states they control, people will soon be required to backdate their birthdates by nine months, beginning with Texas. Seven months if you can prove you were a preemie.

Schools in states run by Republicans will be required to teach Flat Earth Science. Children need to know that Antarctica is the wall that keeps the oceans from spilling off the earth and putting the sun’s fire out when it goes down under the earth at night.

Meanwhile, here in King County we will soon have to carry proof of vaccination around with us wherever we go, starting in about a month. I’m looking into options for not having to carry the card itself around, which card annoyingly won’t fit in my wallet. I’ve heard you can just show pictures of the front and back on your cell phone. Maybe I’ll try that.

I’ve already discovered restaurants that won’t serve me unless I can prove I’m vaccinated. It’s already started.

If Biden can get everyone vaccinated, just think how much of this business would be unnecessary.

Dr. Wes Browning is a one time math professor who has experienced homelessness several times. He supplied the art for the first cover of Real Change in November of 1994 and has been involved with the organization ever since. This is his weekly column, Adventures in Irony, a dry verbal romp of the absurd. He can be reached at drwes@realchangenews.org.

Read more of the Sept. 15-21, 2021 issue.

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