I am single and in my early 40s. Last fall, I received a text from a gal who I had had a crush on for the past two years but had only talked to maybe three times. I was ecstatic.
We agreed to go on a walk. As soon as we met, it was as if we had been friends our whole life. Our discussions went deep right away. One of the things that we talked about was attachment styles. I had just learned about it; so had she. “What are you?” “Avoidant” “So am I!” Ironically, I felt “secure” in myself with my new knowledge — for the first time in my life, I had awareness and the tools!
After a month of creative, in-person, physically distant dating, we became “bubble buddies.” We cooked wonderful meals together and went cross-country skiing. One day in the spring while I was at work, she sent me a text asking if I had left a key for her to lock my apartment. “No, but it will be fine,” I replied. I sent her a picture of what I was doing. Then I said, “Sorry, that was a boring photo.”
Later that night, I started to call her but thought, I’ll let her reach out to me next. She didn’t. After a few days passed and I hadn’t heard from her I thought, Uh oh. That was four months ago — and no communication since on either of our parts. No fight. No discussion. We just dropped off the face of the earth to each other.
Maybe we are both responsible for this strange ending but I blame myself. I have theories about what happened but I suppose I was afraid of addressing it with her like a fortysomething adult should do. Clearly I haven’t learned anything and lack meaningful partnership skills. Knowing this, I am wondering, Is it even ethical for me to date? Or, am I a peculiar kind of awful at relationships? I feel stuck with myself and who I am.
– Avoided
A. First, you have learned plenty because you are interrogating your behavior, and seeking to improve it. You are not a hopeless case.
Second, it takes more than one person to mutually ghost at this level. I have no idea what happened here, but both of you chose to walk away without discussion.
You want to change your patterns and get to the bottom of things, so do it. Text her that you’ve been wondering about this for months, and that if she’s open to the idea, you’d like to talk. You can even acknowledge that first conversation about attachment styles. You both avoided a lot — you win a prize! But . . . what if you took a moment to have a respectful ending (if that’s what’s desired here)?
The hopeful thing is that you said “uh oh” when you did. Now it’s about learning to communicate. That’s scary, for sure, but having transparent, candid talks with a romantic partner is frightening for most people. You’re not alone in that.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
Why don’t you call (not text) her now and see how it goes? It’s possible you both think that you were ghosted by the other. FREEADVICEFORYOU
This letter highlights one of the many pitfalls of informally learning psych terms. Avoidant/anxious/secure aren’t things you *are*. They are styles of attachment that you have, which are not static parts of your identity. BONECOLD
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September 29, 2021 at 09:53PM
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They had a great thing. Then ghosted each other - The Boston Globe
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