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Q. I am 46 years old and have never had a date. I have major social anxiety and I’ve had traumatic experiences that have me afraid of almost everyone. I have gotten to a point where I’ve lost all hope that I will ever find someone. I have been going to therapy for 20 years and it helps me to have an outlet. Yet I only feel safe with my therapists, or when I am writing.
I do not know what to do anymore because I feel there is no hope for me to ever change. I will go through an entire shift at work never saying one word to anyone, and this is the norm for me. I have no friends and I live with my mom, who is no support whatsoever. As a matter of fact, she is a major part of the problem.
I feel I am getting older and losing more hope. I have tried to accept that love may never happen, yet I still cling to this hope that maybe somehow I will be able to find my way to someone. Then reality sets in. I do not know if you are able to help. I thought it was worth a try with this letter. I feel I am the only 46-year-old man in my position.
— Alone
A. I’m glad you’re in therapy. I also wonder whether those professionals can tell you about other kinds of help.
It’s worth asking your therapists about the benefits of group work. I’ve known people who’ve dealt with social anxiety by going to group therapy, where the whole point is to practice interactions with others. There’s something less scary (hopefully) about testing yourself in a room full of people who understand the fear and are coping with it at the same time.
You talk about wanting love, but there’s also “like.” There’s also making one acquaintance at work and admitting that it’s a win. Allow yourself to start small.
Know that there are others like you. Maybe not exactly like you, but others in their 40s who are thinking, “I’d like love, but I don’t know if I have the skills or space to find it.” I think you’re at a point in life where the focus needs to be on the more ordinary interactions — and how you live. Maybe it’s about talking to someone you see every day and finding out about their weekend. Perhaps you can develop a few hobbies so that when someone asks you questions, you have something to share.
Maybe all of this small work gets you to a place where you can deal with the mother thing, which sounds way too complicated to guess about based on this letter.
Basically, it’s about making the seemingly tiny changes that help you recognize a crush (that could turn into more) when you see it.
Talk to your therapists about how to start by testing your social skills in a safe place.
— Meredith
READERS RESPOND:
Think about moving out of your mom’s home, talk to your therapist about it. It might be time to separate from mom if she’s a negative influence. WIZEN
Meredith is absolutely right about group therapy. I was just like you. I had social anxiety, anxiety and depression. My therapist made me go to group therapy. It won’t be easy but you need to do it. Therapy isn’t supposed to be an “outlet;” it’s supposed to be a safe place where you can work on changing your behaviors and learn to overcome your fears. DANYL
^It probably would help him to see that other people have similar issues. FREEADVICEFORYOU
I empathize with this letter writer. I’ve had mild social anxiety and am very much a loner. I’m not good at managing friendships. What has helped me is 1) not feeling pressure that I HAVE to have typical social experiences like everyone else 2) finding activities that I enjoy doing such as yoga classes and other workout classes, and meeting people over time who have similar interests. I’m glad Meredith mentioned that “like” is OK too. So many letters are all about black and white; all or nothing. I think expecting to go from not dating to love is like looking at a project and thinking of the final step instead of the first step. BKLYNMOM
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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I'm 46 and have never had a date - The Boston Globe
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