On Friday, September 3, Cinderella runs onto Amazon Prime Video—sans one glass slipper, of course. Written and directed by Kay Cannon of Pitch Perfect and Blockers fame, this Cinderella iteration has replaced the traditional stage version’s (gorgeous) Rodgers and Hammerstein score and fairytale storyline with mash-up pop hits and an updated, feminist narrative. Its glitzy cast is led by pop star Camila Cabello as the titular “Ella,” and includes household names like Idina Menzel, Pierce Brosnan, Minnie Driver, and Billy Porter, giving his take on a gender-bended fairy godmother who goes by Fab G. The roll-out for the film has included everything from Corden violently hip thrusting during a flash mob to Cabello's strange pronunciation of the name “Chad Michael Murray.” Naturally, I had no choice but to watch the girlbossification of Cinderella in full.
I have to be honest: I was biased against this film before I hit play, largely because the 1997 Disney Cinderella made-for-TV movie starring Brandy and Whitney Houston is one of my favorite movies of all time. (If you don't believe me, read this.) But even the biggest Cabello-stan would leave this film—an unholy amalgamation of Glee, Hamilton, and Bridgerton—with a lot of questions. Not “Why are you down there?”—more like, what the hell is going on?
Without further adieu, here are the million and one questions I had while watching Amazon's Cinderella:
The opening of the film establishes that everyone in Ella’s kingdom is bound by traditional values, and that those traditional values are bad. But why on earth would Cannon and co. choose a rousing rendition of “Rhythm Nation”—a certified bop from the indisputable queen of pop—to represent society's ills and a distressing lack of diversity of thought? Who wouldn't want to be a member of the Rhythm Nation?
What year is this, for that matter? Where are we? Is that a handicap rail on the steps of that cottage?
What happened to Cinderella's father? Feels like we glided right past his untimely demise, right?
If Cinderella—excuse me, Ella—is always “besmirched with dirt,” why does Cabello look like she walked straight out of a Neutregena commercial? How dirty does one get designing fancy dresses, anyway?
Idina Menzel's evil stepmother has a name, and, unsurprisingly, it's Vivian. Why are women named Vivian inherently evil in television and film (see also: Legally Blonde)? We need more positive Vivian representation in the entertainment landscape!
Why are the evil-step sisters always low-key the best part of a Cinderella retelling? (RIP, Natalie Deselle Reid).
Is Cabello's lip-syncing off, or is my internet being weird? (Answer: Both.)
Why are Cinderella's helper rats waltzing to her Cabello co-written “I Want” song, “Million to One”? The song is clearly not in 3/4.
Who does Cabello's Cinderella singing voice remind me of? (Answer: Melania Guidice, of “Waking Up in the Morning” viral TikTok fame.)
If they were going to get a guy who looked and sounded like a British Shawn Mendes to be the Prince (Nicholas Galitzine), why didn't they just get Cabello’s actual boyfriend, Shawn Mendes? Was he not tech avail?
Which Hamilton callback did casting attend to find this rapping town crier?
Why is the Wicked Stepmother's home decorated like an Airbnb in Lake Tahoe?
Why, dear god, are we still using gospel choirs in the shallowest of ways to back up white soloists for a one-off joke? Can we either use this device in a more meaningful or nuanced way, or skip it entirely and let those talented people go pursue more worthwhile projects?
Does anyone really need to hear the song “Somebody To Love” in a movie or TV show ever again? Bohemian Rhapsody won the Oscar. Enough is enough.
Was there, perhaps, a more creative or subtler way to make the film's overarching point about misogyny and sexism then having Gwen, the princess who wants to be queen, say, “You’re literally not going to let me have a seat at the table?"
Was the Prince really rendered unrecognizable by his Jack Sparrow cosplay? Also, why didn't he put on the eyeliner? It could have really pulled the look together.
Who listened to “The Schuyler Sisters” on repeat before arranging the end of Menzel and the stepsister's rendition of “Material Girl”?
We're doing a meet cute with the Prince and Ella thirty-five minutes in? Can we get to the ball already?
Okay, and when the Prince says, “Just doing my part to correct a flawed system,” a) is subtlety dead? and b) Couldn’t he do more to correct it as prince by implementing new laws and rules???
We are 40 minutes in and about to start a “One Day More” inspired rendition of “Am I Wrong” by the seminal pop group Nico & Vinz? Where in god's name is Billy Porter?
Did Ella not have a Tide pen on hand? The ink stain that Vivian threw did not look that bad, honestly.
Was it really necessary to make us wait 46 minutes to get Billy Porter on screen? And did he have to enter by screaming “Werk. Yaaaaas?"
Which studio exec came up with the name Fab G?
Is Billy Porter's gold outfit a nod to Whitney Houston's gold Fairy Godmother outfit, as I suspect it is?
Why didn't Ella like the blue pantsuit? I thought she wanted to be a She-E-O?
Do you think the swimming subway rat auditioned for this movie, but lost the part to James Corden?
Speaking of Corden: didn’t he learn his lesson about playing anthropomorphized animals from Cats? Or just generally doing movie musicals from The Prom? Also, how does he have enough time to shoot all these musical films? Doesn’t he host a show every night?
Do people realize how good Billy Porter is at singing? Cause he's really good.
What in the Bridgerton is this ballroom “What a Man” sequence?
Can you actually play a cello like a guitar? Like, would that work, from a physics perspective?
Should men be allowed to refer to their genitalia as their “front tail,” even in jest, even if they’re men who were mice like an hour ago?
Did Ella seem hella chill about Queen Tatianna casually revealing that she murdered someone to ascend to the throne?
Did Ella actually make that gown? Sure, she designed it—but didn't Fab G technically make it?
Is Ella’s decision to go into business with someone she knows fully committed murder truly the best example for all the little future girlbosses out there?
Am I really going to have to listen to a whole Ed Sheeran song as Ella and the Prince profess their love for each other?
Why are we humanizing Vivian, the WICKED STEPMOTHER, with a back story about how she used to play the piano? The Maleficent-ification of every unsavory female character has got to stop! Let women be girlbosses, but let them be evil too!
“The world doesn’t need another dream girl?” Umm, tell that to the long-gestating Amber Riley revival, honey!
Who broke the news to Pierce Brosnan that not only would he have to sing again, but he’d have to sing a cappella?
Why is Minnie Driver delivering the best performance in this entire film as Queen Beatrice, and who knew that she could sing like that? (Answer: She's actually an accomplished musician! Good for her.)
What would you do if you were late for work because the cast of Cinderella was performing a Crosswalk Musical version of the film in the middle of the street? Could you take legal action?
Did you know that “Let’s Get Loud” is able to heal generational trauma between a stepmother and her stepdaughter? And that it makes literally no sense as the closing number of this film?
Wait… so Billy Porter was really only in that one scene? Impossible.
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September 03, 2021 at 11:16PM
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The Million and One Questions I Had Watching Amazon’s Girlboss Cinderella - Vanity Fair
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