What is the word for the fresh cocktail of disappointment, embarrassment, and hubris of having gone all in on a joke that gassed up the soon-to-be former governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo? There is none because we’re placing an indefinite moratorium on cute phrases about politicians. There have been several stories this week that read like a big Cheshire cat grin and are about those who ever looked at Cuomo with rose-colored glasses, the so-called “Cuomosexuals,” a joke from the early months of COVID that went too far, one in which some people were proclaiming themselves sexually attracted to Cuomo’s knack for appearing competent in the face of so much government incompetence.
Cuomo burned fast and bright since the term was first uttered. He published a whole book on how he handled the early COVID crisis in New York, and then a report found that he “severely” mishandled it. Next came an impeachment inquiry and then a report from the state’s attorney general that concluded Cuomo had sexually harassed 11 women. On Tuesday he finally resigned. But by then the word Cuomosexual had long turned to sand in everyone’s mouth.
Here is, for example, a quote that simply can’t be real and must have been pulled from some lost episode of the first season of Sex and the City, when the women were doing quippy, direct-to-camera monologues: Talia Reese from Great Neck, N.Y., told the New York Post, “Murdering old people and grabbing asses is not even the thing that turned me off. For me it was when he wrote a book about how great he is. I love a good sociopath, but that was a bit much considering how much he screwed up—and screwed around.”
“Cuomo was my God. I was crazy for him—I thought he was shamelessly sexy,” another woman told the Post, this one an Upper East Side resident. “It’s worse than betrayal. It makes you feel like your whole world has been rocked. As a single girl, it makes me question my taste in men, my ability to trust.”
Merch and tchotchke stores are removing their Cuomo-themed items, per The New York Times, but the biggest schadenfreude magnet of all has been the fancy-lady sweater brand Lingua Franca. It made $400 sweaters that read “Cuomosexual” and “Cuomo for President.” It’s enough to make one worry for Stacey Abrams, who also has a Lingua Franca sweater dedicated to her (“In Stacey Abrams We Trust”).
Lingua Franca posted a message “calling our community” and offering a free restitching. It’s an incredible offer. When else might you have the sins of the past washed away so easily? (The brand, for the record, was already doing this with its Cuomo sweaters. In an update to the post, the company said that this option was being repromoted in light of the resignation.)
But while they get a fresh start, they may be feeling silly that they bought one of those sweaters in the first place or even uttered the offending syllables. Now the first step is to forgive oneself! Would you punish a friend for going all in, in a sexual way, over the governor of New York? A man whose big plan to save New York was not to allot money to the foundation of the city—the subway system—but to instead put up…lights…lights everywhere? A man who once said out loud, “I am the government”? A man who turned a room full of supportive women against him with just a few words? This guy?
Maybe this is as good a time as ever to recognize there are healthier places to direct sexually tinged anxiety than at politicians in general. This shouldn’t be hard; PETA has been doing it for years! Keep your hero worship away from politicians, no matter how competent they seem. There are many steps between acknowledging an elected officials work and wanting to take them out to a nice red sauce joint. Donate to a campaign, tell a friend why someone’s candidacy is an exciting prospect, or make a supportive post (that’s free!). But don’t buy mugs from Etsy bearing their visage. No more sweaters. You have enough little totes anyway. When it comes to all this, think of politicians as you do your mom or dad. You can respect them or not; you can listen to them or not; and they can disappoint you in big and small ways (or not!). But it would not be funny or fun to joke about wanting to sleep with them.
If you simply must collect merch, may I suggest some classic celebrities—they can disappoint you too, but they’re also not in charge of signing off on any statewide budgets. The young men of BTS, for example, would be excellent. Many objects of affection to choose from there. Adam Driver. He’s quite tall and sometimes a centaur. Did you see the House of Gucci trailer?
Anyway, there’s a lesson from the school of hard knocks. Even in times of peril, careful whom you rely on. All you’ve lost is $400 and bit of pride! It could be much worse next time.
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There Are Many Lessons to Be Had From the Plight of the “Cuomosexual” - Vanity Fair
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