Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for three years. We own a home together and live a nice life. He had been single for about eight years before meeting me. He had two other serious relationships with women who his children didn’t like. His youngest, 16, lived with us for two years and made life hard. He didn’t follow rules, and he clearly didn’t like me.
As a result, his married adult daughter has been very disrespectful to me in our home. It got so bad that I told my husband she isn’t welcome if she can’t be respectful. It has been over a year now since she has come over. In that time, the youngest turned 18 and moved in with her. We live separate family lives. I’m not welcome or invited to holidays or birthdays.
I come from a divorced family, and regardless of my feelings about my parents’ spouses, I am respectful of my parents’ relationships and homes. My husband doesn’t care. He says we are in a relationship with each other, not the kids. But to me, I can’t imagine him leaving me on Christmas every year or sneaking — fast-forward — to his grandchildren’s birthday parties.
Would it make more sense to move on because I would never be happy with this, or is it worth sticking out in hopes the girls will change? — His Children Hate Me
Dear His Children Hate Me: If you just wait for his children to change, and you don’t change yourself or do some introspection as to why they treat you the way they do, then things will not change. Saying that your 16-year-old stepson was disrespectful and didn’t follow rules is not really understanding adolescents.
Of course, respect is always the goal of parenting a teenager, but cutting them a little slack when they are trying to find their way from childhood to adulthood is also very important.
Instead of interpreting his refusal to follow rules as a direct attack on you, consider that he’s trying to figure himself out. Remember, you are the adult. The more understanding and empathy you can bring, the more receptive they will be to reconciliation. Try to put yourself in his and your stepdaughters’ shoes. Someone has to extend the olive branch. Be the bigger person for the sake of your marriage and — fast-forward — for the wonderful family and grandkids you will celebrate holidays with together.
Putting stamp on sympathy
Dear Annie: Unfortunately, like a lot of people, I have sent out too many sympathy cards this past year. And with many families opting for no visitation and sometimes even no services, it’s hard to come up with something other than flowers or food. I have copied an idea from a friend when my own mother passed away years ago. I now include stamps with my card. You can buy forever stamps for around $10. They fit nicely in a card and are very practical and useful. Plus, they last “forever,” so people can use them as they’re needed. — Sympathy Stamps
Dear Sympathy Stamps: What a great idea. Thank you for sharing!
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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May 16, 2021 at 04:57PM
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Try to be the bigger person with stepchildren - Sentinel & Enterprise
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